My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
worst night to have a conscience
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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