yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
