Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
