So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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