I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
