IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
