After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
