dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
