I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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