Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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