There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
