He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Randomize
