OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
