I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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