Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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