Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
