It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
