I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
