If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
