I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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