Your face is a jimmy john
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
