someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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