i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
