Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
