I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
