In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I don't want my vagina anymore.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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