My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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