yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
