I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
