You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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