Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
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