dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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