My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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