So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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