I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
