Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Randomize
