Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
