He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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