my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
