# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
