meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Do you have feelings for this penis?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
