Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
im holly from the hills drunk
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
