we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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