A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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