Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He felt like a one man threesome
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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