dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
