and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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