I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
