You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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