I think im going to throw up on grandma
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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