I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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