Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
