I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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