Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
