I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
